Overage Drinking becomes epidemic

This article appeared in the 2010 April Fool's Edition of The Reveille.
 

Several citations were issued early last Friday at the Zeta Psi house, 5132 Madison Avenue, after police received complaint calls that night from numerous neighbors. Tickets were issued for various infractions, including public intoxication and indecent exposure, and one arrest was made for operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated.

The arrest occurred after police went on a three block slow-speed pursuit of 88-year old Clyde Bitleys, who was driving his Rascal motor scooter drunk from 52nd to 49th St..

This incident stands as another example of what Lincoln police have dubbed "overage drinking," a recent phenomenon that has become an epidemic on the Nebraska Wesleyan campus.

On Friday, March 24th, a noise complaint brought officers to an apartment on Huntington Ave. where a house party was taking place. The resident cited with the ticket claimed that the music, old Benny Goodman vinyls, was at such a high decibel level because "most of the people at the party wouldn't be able hear it at a lower volume."

Another disturbing incident occurred that Saturday when an ambulance was called to a house on 52nd and Walker after 96-year old Emma McDaniels fractured her hip while trying to perform a "keg stand."

Witnesses say McDaniels seemed confused when police and EMTs arrived, shouting feebly that "we'll abolish the Eighteenth Amendment yet!" and making derogatory remarks towards former Minnesota representative Andrew Volstead.

"The only reason I knew what she was talking about," one bystander said, "was (Dr. James) Hewitt's post-1865 history class. Wow… that's flipping old."

The trend towards the elderly crashing weekend college parties began over a month ago, as students began noticing a significantly more mature presence at their keggers and froshes.

Junior Adam Emerton has observed the rise in geriatric activity right outside his window. "At 5:00 in the afternoon on Fridays, you can see them start to roll out. Not in Escalades, mind you—mostly in Hover Rounds."

Fraternizing usually begins in late afternoon, after the overage drinkers (ODs) have eaten dinner and watched "Jeopardy!" Most of the partygoer flow comes from the rest home on 50th and Madison. Often the first stop is Theta Chi.

Junior and Theta Chi brother Quiller Caudill has intercepted their attempts to enter the house on two occasions. "When they start to complain about the ‘newfangled' electronic FOBs, that's when I know they're trying to get in. One of them always screams, "Devil locks! Devil locks!"

"They try to coax me into partying with two-dollar bills and Werther's Original, but I never accept their bribes… okay, maybe the Werther's," says Caudill. "Mmm, soft toffee chews."

Often, the ODs move up the street three blocks to Zeta Psi, where they find a home. Junior Zeta Psi Casey Holmes has welcomed their fresh, wrinkled faces with open arms. "One of them taught us how to make bathtub gin. After we made the first batch, we left to get cups, and when we came back, he had fallen asleep in it," says Holmes. "Crazy war vets."

The ODs themselves have been enthusiastic to talk, making their manifesto crystal clear. "We want to party like it's 1949!" states 75-year old Gerald Shecke. "By the way, you look like my grandson."

"Sure there's drug use," self-avowed "World's Greatest Grandpa" Tony Delusia claims. "Insulin, heart medication, and Levitra."

Another demonstrated the irresponsible and tragic nature of OD partying. "Sometimes I wake up the next day and don't remember anything," claims 68-year old Louise Tompkins. "That's probably because of the Alzheimer's."

OD organizer and 89-year old Gordon Cooperton is determined to continue the weekly escapades. "Until my Medicare Part B takes the reins," Cooperton says, "Wesleyan's student body will have to co-pay my crunk."